It's almost been a year since I've started my journey to developing a better relationship with the internet, and I've learned a lot. Mainly, how to interact with others in a more meaningful way. Along the way, I also found myself and what I really wanted out of my creative pursuits. Despite this, however, the aching feeling on my chest still lingers. To be more specific, it's the all too familiar unpleasant feeling of not being good enough.
Don't get me wrong, I have surpassed myself in some way, the recent illustrations I have been making are becoming more and more what I want them to be. I was able to make 3 websites that somewhat work decently in less than a year. I've been burning out less, due to less pressure I've been putting on myself. All these things take effort and work, but I can't shake off the thought that I'm not doing enough to warrant any recognition. Yet I crave it. Who wouldn't? Humans were made to be social, wanting attention from their fellow beings to feel valued and seen.
I loved making websites from the moment I found out 2 years ago that it was possible to make your own, and you don't have to rely on other platforms to express yourself. But like all hobbies, I tend to compare myself to others. To people I am inspired by, people I consider my peers. I, sometimes, wonder if I warrant calling myself a webmaster. I didn't master much, I only know simple things like putting text and an image on a webpage. Anyone can do that. It's nothing compared to others that understand something like CSS Grid or Flexbox. (I've tried learning the former, but I have a long way to go until I get there.) I always have a sinking sensation in my stomach when I try to strike up a conversation with others about websites, and they start talking about a technical concept I have no grasp of. I get insecure about how I don't understand or can't contribute to their thoughts. It's like trying to converse with someone in a whole different language, and only being given a dictionary to figure out what's going on. You find the words they say to be beautiful, but you get frustrated that you have no way of communicating that you understand what they are talking about. It's part of the reason, why I've further isolated myself from communities, despite how unhealthy it is for me.
Another thing that creeps on my mind has always been attention and recognition. I was raised in an environment where instant gratification reigned supreme, and controlled me like a puppet. I remember spending many nights, trying so hard to finish an art piece to share online, only to get less likes or comments than what I would have hoped. After distancing myself from that culture, things did get better for me, but every now and then it shows up like a sleep paralysis demon. I wonder if my sites looked a certain way, more people would appreciate it. If I leaned into the nostalgia and pop culture that most people my age liked and clung onto this bleak world of ours as a way to cope with reality, maybe that would fill that gratification that seems hard to ignore. It's hard to pull away from the external validation I find myself in. I find once again feeling insecure and wondering if the grass is really greener on the other side, meaning if I should really give people what they want to see.
However, I know this would make me unhappy in the long run, and my art will become less and less like mine. I have always been at my happiest when I made what I wanted to make, even if it didn't gurantee an audience. It's a long way until I get this hammered in my head, but it's a start. I don't have anything conclusive right now, anything to end this post on a positive note. All I know is that I think about it all the time.
Side note: The blog entry was actually inspired by a song I was listening to while I was making it, called "I think about it all the time" by Charli XCX, hence the title. While the original song is very different from this blog's subject matter, I feel like the structure of it at least influenced me. It's a more rambly song, with little to no filters about the artist's feelings about her pursuits and the way her life was going. Even though, our lives are nothing alike, it spoke to me in a way that was raw and real. It means a lot to me, so I thought of giving it a small homage in my little blog.