I’m used to hearing what it’s like for a stranger like me over the internet about their experiences with coming out. Usually something that isn’t taken well by their parents. There’s a lot of homophobia and transphobia prevalent in society, things I’ve internalized and had to scrub myself off from after finding myself in this journey of self discovery. I’ve known for a while now. But it truly doesn’t start sinking until you realize that even one step in the wrong direction can lead to a terrible situation for you if you’re not careful. It truly didn’t sink in until I got a lot of pushback from my mom over the small decisions I was making regarding MY OWN appearance.
I am assigned female at birth, something I never ever had a choice on the matter. Feminine things were shoved down my throat by the people around me that I started to resent being a girl, until I realized I still liked those things. Even though I did like masculine stuff, I still did like the feminine childhood toys I was given. Pink, dolls, tea sets, glitter, whatever. What I failed to understand as a young child was I absolutely despised the fact that I was still being subjected to binary gender roles that clearly didn’t apply to me. I just didn’t know how to express it at the time. I thought it was another “not like other girls” phase, but it wasn’t. It never was. I genuinely liked everything within the androgyny spectrum, the freedom of being able to pick between train sets and little dolls without being told that only parts of it were exclusive to boys and girls (as if they’re not all just the same hunk of plastic given to children with no meaningful labels) was my dream. Of course, my dream would only grow bigger until I realized that my gender is as fluid as the seas.
Yet still I’m still subjected to the same standards as I was when I was a little girl. A few moments ago I had to somehow argue my way into getting a shorter fucking haircut because my mom somehow is still opposed to me getting anything shorter than what I have right now. She doesn’t know it, but the first time I saw myself in that wolfcut in the mirror was when I finally felt euphoria. I was happy. Yet that wouldn’t fly over my mom’s radar. She made a point to tell me how displeased she is with my own decision, telling me how much of a tomboy I looked. She didn’t know how much she accidentally affirmed my gender. How happy that made me, no matter condescending she was trying to be. I didn’t give two shits about it as long as she would shut her trap, but it kept coming. As I start to lean towards clothing that is baggy and a lot less feminine, I realized how rigid she's become.
The way she asks about if a garment either she or I’m picking is for girls or boys, or the fact she can’t even understand why I don’t want tight clothes that show off my body, is frankly ridiculous. I wave it off as me saying it’s not my style, but it doesn’t just go away like that. She often criticizes other people too for not bending to “conventional” beauty standards, judgemental towards others as a compensation for her lack of self-satisfaction. It hurts me the most because of how much she projects her own standards onto me. She treats every decision I made against what she would do as some sort of threat or mistake to fix. She only seems to compliment me when I meet HER standards, never once did I ever hear her ask about what I really wanted in life. I feel like if I want to get on her good side to stay safe, I’ll need to abandon everything that makes me feel comfortable and happy so she can be. I could give less of a fuck whether or not a stranger thinks I’m a disgusting freak just because I’m gay, I can tell them to go fuck themselves and I wouldn’t have to deal with their ass any longer.
But my own family? It’s not that easy. I barely have any freedom of my own. I’m shacked up in my parent’s house because I’m still in school and I barely have any income to support myself. I’m afraid of saying the wrong things because I know I could potentially risk my own freedom and stability. I’m a 21 year old adult, yet I am still being treated like I'm a 15 year old teenager. I had to hide my sexuality and real gender in order to be safe because even small things like, cutting my hair, is questioned.
The worst part of it all is that the people that are supposed to be supporting me the most, actually don’t. Deep down, I want genuine affection from the people who are supposed to be my family. I want to believe that I wouldn’t be cut off just because I made the “sin” of being not cis or hetero. But if my own family, specifically my mom, is already reacting negatively to the small decisions I’m making, what more would happen if I did get the courage to finally open up to them about myself? I’m not safe. I don’t think I ever was. I’m just slowly anticipating the day I can finally be able to do the things that make me happy without further argument or threat to my safety. I don’t know when it’ll happen, but I hope it’ll be soon